Life Stuff

"Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection" (itsalwayssteve) 01/18/2018 at 09:00 • Filed to: Life, Stuff

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Yesterday Afternoon snow pic for reasons.

Scooter is more a snow dog than Binkie. She crawled under the porch to pee.

It’s kind of hard making friends in your late 30s when you’re a guy like me. I talk to the guys at work, but none of our personalities match up in a way that I’d like to hang out, outside of the job.

There are two other men in my classes at the moment. One is someone who I have probably met because we traveled in the same circles. He was in a touring band with a friend of a friend for most of a decade. I may add him on Facebook because we know about 30 of the same people. The other is a 21-year-old baseball player who is nice enough but also a 21-year-old kid with different tastes and values.

The rest of the people in my classes are women in age from early 20s to late 30s. I have a good enough rapport with them, but we don’t mesh in a way that would make me want to hang out outside of class. Besides, a new female friend could be problematic for a married guy like myself.

At the same time, by late 30s, many men are in a wholly different place in life than I am. I’m just now finishing my first degree and starting a career after drifting without direction for my 20s and the first part of my 30s. It’s hard for me to relate to someone who found their career in their early 20s and is established while I’m just starting over after a decade and a half of entry level bullshit jobs.

There are a few other reasons.

1. Time: between work and school I have very little time to do much of anything. Weekends are full of domestic and academic duties - sometimes to the point that My wife and I are still working on laundry from the weekend on Tuesday evening.

2. Interests: I don’t give a shit about sports. Haven’t for a long time. I can appreciate a good game between well-matched teams but I have no emotional stake in it. I don’t know how to put forth that effort to be a fan of sports.

I like car stuff but don’t have much time to learn how to properly wrench. I don’t have the time or money currently to really get into automotive hobbies as yet.

I’m not a religious man - I would call my beliefs in that realm “humanist with great disdain for people who use their religion as an excuse to be assholes.”

I don’t watch many tv shows - see #1 above. Pop cultural references are lost on me.

I would rather go see a live band than to watch sports. I would rather watch a standup show than a sitcom.

I’d much rather just have people over for game night drinking beers and playing Jenga, Smartass, and Exploding Kittens than anything else. To do that requires establishing and developing friendships.

3. Trust: I have a hard time trusting people for a number of reasons and so I have a tendency to push people away. It’s hard sometimes to be my friend because I don’t return calls or texts in a timely manner. On the other hand, I can be a bit needy as a friend. I have a tendency to seek validation and approval because of my upbringing. At the same time, I have a tendency to believe other people are judging me negatively. It’s likely not as true as I think it is, but it’s still there.

4. The Depression: this is the big one. I’m medicated for depression and a lot of people don’t understand it so I keep it to myself. So when I flake out or go into hermit mode as a means of survival - sending out the occasional social media dispatch to let others know I’m alive- people sometimes take it personally. And if you’re not familiar with the behaviors that come from this type of depression it can be exasperating. And it’s exasperating to have to keep making excuses to friends who don’t seem to get it. There are days when it takes tremendous effort just to get out of bed and move to my recliner. See also the validation bit above. Sometimes it takes me a tremendous effort and all of the cognitive-behavioral skills I’ve learned to keep from collapsing. I meditate, keep mindful, go to therapy and medicate and yet still it creeps in.

5. Distance: I’m on “the homestead,” where the neighbors are my inlaws and the pipeline family who live in a camper behind our house. (On that note, I couldn’t live like that. They haven’t been home in a year. He makes a lot of money - they have a $100,000 travel trailer, a $250,000 house in Texas, and she drives a CPO GMC Denali, but they’re living out of a camper 1200 miles from home.)

My point here is that I’m not in contact with a lot of people and I don’t even really have neighbors. My therapist said I need to get back in touch with my male friends but so many of us have just drifted apart. And it’s so much effort to make new friends. And I flake out and disappear for weeks at a time.

So it goes. So it goes.

Thanks for reading.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 09:05

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next time a co-worker complains about something with a car, offer to have them come to your place and you can help them fix it.

Nibby > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 09:09

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I’m more than 10 years younger but in many ways I can relate. I don’t find it hard to talk to people; it’s just most of the relationships I have reach a plateau and just stay there. There’s gotta be someone in your life you can count on, maybe a friend or 2, relative, etc.? I’m the kind of person who bottles up everything for a long time and then lets it all out at once. Always found talking to someone you trust (and I understand it’s very hard to find someone to confide in) immensely helps. It’s definitely harder to make friends as you get older... even though I am just over 5 years graduated from undergrad and almost 3 from grad school, I only keep in touch with ONE friend (and she lives in Europe now!). Do not go out of your way for those who don’t reciprocate. Find something in common with someone to talk to... music or cars. It can be annoying in a class or workplace since you’re kinda forced into an environment with others but you’ll eventually find someone who connects with you. It took me a while at work as well but after 2+ years I’m finally starting to feel some sort of reciprocity.

You gotta try to keep your head up and maintain a positive attitude. Don’t let the insecurities and negative thoughts get in the way of that. In your free time, keep yourself busy and always keep learning new things.

vondon302 > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 09:20

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Wow it’s like you wrote this for me. I’m kinda in the same boat a few differences and I’m a little older.

I wish I could give some advice but I’ve kinda resolved to nurture the few friendships I have.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 09:44

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Friends. I think people have too many expectations when it comes to friends. I have two really good friends and I’m married to one of them. The other I see once a year or so. For the most part, my “ outside” communication is with my one good friend by phone and daily conversation here and on a couple of other community forums - places where like-minded people gather to talk about their favorite stuff. You have that here.

There is a wider group of people I know mostly because of our kids. I work to keep the relationships friendly, but I don’t really see any of them outside of kid-related activities. Speaking of kids, they are what really keep my wife and I busy right now. There’s always something going on and we are happy to lend our support.

You may find support in a good gaming group. Try out one of the augmented reality games like Ingress. You have to leave the house to participate and really big operations require collaboration/cooperation with a group of people to be successful. You might find a good group of like-minded individuals who you enjoy gaming with. 

jimz > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 09:48

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try being single at about the same age. then you’ll have practically nothing in common with nobody.

diplodicus > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 09:53

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Is your dog friendly? Is there a dog park in your area? It’s pretty easy to meet people at the dog park. Not saying like you’ll become best friends, but it’s a good way to just shoot the shit with people.

Khalbali > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 10:16

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Unfortunately most of this applies directly to me too, and I think it applies to more and more people every day. A lot of it is just a consequence of our society these days i think and I wish I had advice to offer. I left my one friend in Denver and moved back to chicago to stay with family because my wife was suffering from depression and anxiety to the point where she couldn’t keep a job. I have one friend from college about an hour away that I’ve seen once in the 6 months I’ve been back and that’s it, and my own issues have kept me from keeping a job for more than a couple months (days even sometimes) so my wife is my only real human contact most days. I wish I had more to offer besides you’re not alone but I’m struggling with most of the same issues too, as I’m sure a lot of people are.

Azrek > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 10:24

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I had issues in Maryland making friends (so I said fuck it and moved back to Florida). The people there were just so....oppressed it was brutal.

The goal is to always find common ground, but what if that is so fleeting it is almost non-existant?

I’d recommend Meetup.com. It is a casual site that lists local events in the area with folks. I tried that to mixed success in Maryland and back in Florida. I occasionally join a 5k beer group to run a 5k and drink a beer. It is fun...somewhat. I don’t want to talk during running or working out. Afterwards, sure.

I am former military and still work for them. Most people’s issues are silly to me. I am not on fire, getting shot at, freezing to death or starving...so life is what you make of it. I generally look bored all day. People think I look pissed or mad, no I am just here...

ttyymmnn > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/18/2018 at 10:36

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You pretty much just described my life. I had one close friend through high school, and he went on to become a pilot, drank deeply of the right wing Kool Aid, and I finally broke of our friendship after many years because I couldn’t take his cynicism any more. Other than that, I have one person from college that I would truly call a friend, and he lives in TN. We email, but not frequently. Every time we travel through that part of the country I make a point of staying the night in TN so we can have a few beers, smoke a cigar, and get caught up. I also also still correspond with my college roommate.

But locally, there are no people I hang out with. I’ve got friends and acquaintances from my boys’ school, but we don’t get together socially. I hang out with my wife and family. We spend out free time together, and do things together. Honestly, I have never felt like I need “a night with the guys” since I got married.

TheRealBicycleBuck > ttyymmnn 01/18/2018 at 10:49

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I think it’s a lot more common than people realize. The ones still hanging with their buds at the bars on a weekly or even daily basis are usually the ones that end up divorced. The social activities that I participate in are family-related, although there are a few, very rare, activities that I do with just a friend or two. I think the glamorized social life seen in the media (movies, T.V., etc.) is leading younger generations away from family life and is a major factor in  the high rate of divorce.

Chuckles > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 10:52

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You aren’t the only one who feels that way. I’m 32 and have been struggling with this too. A few moves didn’t make it any easier to keep in touch with people.

It always helps me to have a framework for interacting with people. In NC I was invited to a weekly poker game with some coworkers and it helped a lot. Another coworker invited me to the dirt track, and along with picking up a new interest he became my best friend in that state.

Even if you aren’t a sports fan, you might be interested in fantasy sports. It’s more about knowledge and less about being passionate, and joining a fantasy football league or fantasy hockey league provides a great framework to start interacting with more people.

Whatever you choose to do, you’ve got to find a way to make some time outside of your obligations. Set aside a few hours a week for something fun, and hopefully you can meet other people that are interested in that same thing, which might lead to friendships.

ttyymmnn > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/18/2018 at 11:08

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I know a guy who married and had two kids, but his wife continued to go out with her friends every week. After a couple of years, she left him, saying that she “wanted her life back.” It’s hard for some people to understand that marrying and having a family isn’t giving your life away. It’s a conscious decision to start a new chapter in life. Some people just aren’t equipped for that.

TheRealBicycleBuck > ttyymmnn 01/18/2018 at 11:26

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Ouch. I think you are correct in your thinking. My best buddy just went through a divorce. His wife lost her freaking mind and decided to start cheating on him. She said something similar about getting a life.

For a while, she lived in the old house on their farm while he and the kids lived in the new house. She wouldn’t even come out in the morning to spend some time with her kids while they waited by the old house to catch the bus. I thought there had to be more to the story, but when we were all hanging out over Thanksgiving, his kids told my kids the same thing. Even though they were living just a few hundred feet apart, there were weeks when the kids didn’t see their mom at all. Now that the divorce is final and she moved into town, the poor kids see her about once a month. Oh, and the guy she was cheating with decided to salvage his marriage and dumped her.

But at least she got her life back....

Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection > ttyymmnn 01/18/2018 at 11:30

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My closest friend died about two years ago - he was the one person other than my wife that I talked to on a daily basis. Other than that, I talk to my cousin Al about once a week as he’s driving to work (he works nights on the railroad and I call him on my way home from school a lot of the time) and... that’s about it. I drifted away from “the guys,” when I got married because I didn’t want to live single life anymore. I purged people out of my life because they became moochers. I don’t even have many acquaintances but there are times when I would just like to be able to chill with a dude and talk about guy stuff. I miss Russell for that.

Also, my wife and I don’t have kids, so there’s not any interaction with other people because of “kid stuff.”

ttyymmnn > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 11:35

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I think Oppo has become my “chilling with the guys (and a few gals).”

punkgoose17 > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 01/18/2018 at 12:56

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Agreed making friends is difficult. Also, I find having a healthy social life is good for my mental health. I am still trying to figure it out and keep trying. I try to go to local music concerts when I can. Sometimes I am able to talk to people sometimes I am not able to. Sometimes my wife comes with me sometimes she does not. I found planning well ahead of time is best for scheduling for the 2 of us.